The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

There was once a wandering Rabbi making his way deep through the jungle. One day he came upon a native tribe and after a few stops and starts found them to be a peaceful people and after a time they managed enough communication that he learned some of their people. The Trids as he learned they were called lived in flimsy huts that were easily broken down and in talking with the elders he asked why this was so. The elders explained that the Trids had been forced to become something of a nomadic people as they had been pursued throughout memory by a terrible monster who would rampage through their village whenever he found them. The Rabbi was saddened to hear this and promised to help in any way he could. Just then there was a terrible uproar and they knew the monster had come. The Rabbi being a brave man ran from the hut to confront this giant long legged monster that seemed to have feet the length of huge duggout canoes. The monster was using these weapons to great advantage kicking over the huts, booting the tribesman and women and causing general mayhem. The Rabbi ran straight up to the monster to confront him saying "Take me instead" but the monster only stared at him and turned around and continued rampaging in another direction. Again the Rabbi confronted the monster saying "take me instead" and again the monster stopped stared and turned. The third time the Rabbi confronted the monster saying "take me instead!" The monster stopped and in perfect english replied, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids"
 
Casualties in opera

Dying at the top of your lungs of TB (and in the case of Manon of VD)...
Killer clown on mass murder spree...
Several stabbings...
Mad Cow Disease...
Horsing around on a funeral pyre...
Micky Finns gone wrong...

Heck...perhaps there should be a ten day waiting period on opera glasses...
 
Haha. Good one Jammer. Jewish jokes are funny.


So....

This fellow was on a train and some woman across him caught his eye. He looked at her for a bit, and asked her, "Are you Jewish?"

She, looked at him, and "Said. Not that I know of. No."

Five minutes later, he asked, her, "Seriously, are you sure that you're not Jewish."

And she said, "No. I am sure."

And five minutes later, he asked the same question and she figured just to shut him up, she said, "Ok. You got me, I am Jewish."

"Funny," the man said. "You don't look Jewish."

:rimshot: mhihi::fpalm:
 
orpheus said:
Haha. Good one Jammer. Jewish jokes are funny.


So....

This fellow was on a train and some woman across him caught his eye. He looked at her for a bit, and asked her, "Are you Jewish?"

She, looked at him, and "Said. Not that I know of. No."

Five minutes later, he asked, her, "Seriously, are you sure that you're not Jewish."

And she said, "No. I am sure."

And five minutes later, he asked the same question and she figured just to shut him up, she said, "Ok. You got me, I am Jewish."

"Funny," the man said. "You don't look Jewish."

:rimshot: mhihi::fpalm:
Click to expand...

:lol: For a second there I thought it was gonna be a blonde joke.
 
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to little Johnny?s ear, the doctor asked him, ?Is this your nose??

Johnny turned to his mother and said, ?Mom, I think we better find a new doctor!?
 
The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee."

"Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door," she said.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"OH, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in N.Y."

"Honey, Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll ensure your meals.

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on Jan. 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States. The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.

The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, "You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?

"The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for USC."
 
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

?Aren?t you going to have a drink yourself?? asked the doctor.

?Sure, after the police leave,? replied the attorney.
 
Every night in Anaheim CA a couple of Ducks fans are kept awake by the barking of their next-door neighbor?s dog.

Finally, the husband has had enough and jumps out of bed.

?I?m going to teach them a lesson.?

He runs downstairs and returns five minutes later.

?What did you do?? asks his wife.

?I put their dog in our backyard,? replies the man. ?Let?s see how they like it!?
 
This might not be covered by bell ringer orientation for THE Salvation Army...but it COULD be implied...

If you see anyone wearing a Canucks or Coyotes jersey...DON'T lift the kettle up and say "Here...you guys need this more than we do..."
 
sub-buzz-10381-1480633246-11.png
 
Here we are... It's nearly Christmas and I've never seen so many shopping bags...

I've seen some pretty girls too...
 
orpheus said:
Haha. Good one Jammer. Jewish jokes are funny.


So....

This fellow was on a train and some woman across him caught his eye. He looked at her for a bit, and asked her, "Are you Jewish?"

She, looked at him, and "Said. Not that I know of. No."

Five minutes later, he asked, her, "Seriously, are you sure that you're not Jewish."

And she said, "No. I am sure."

And five minutes later, he asked the same question and she figured just to shut him up, she said, "Ok. You got me, I am Jewish."

"Funny," the man said. "You don't look Jewish."

:rimshot: mhihi::fpalm:
Click to expand...


This joke made me and my youngest son laugh out loud. Gracias for posting.
 
At this monastery, the monks living there practice a code of silence and only break it on Christmas Day in which only one monk is allowed to speak. One year, one of the monks says, "I like the mashed potatoes that we eat with our Christmas dinner."

365 days later, when it is another monk's turn to speak, he says, "I really don't like the mashed potatoes we eat because they are dry!"

366 days later (it was a leap year), another monk whose turn was to speak said, "Why must we be constantly bickering?"
 
Admiring the Christmas tree displayed in his friend's window, Oliver asks his father, "Dad, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"

"What? Of course not!" Says his father.

"Why not?" asks Oliver.

"I'll tell you why," his father continued. "Because the last time our people had to deal with a lighted tree we ended spending 40 years in the wilderness."

mhihi: rolleyes:
 
A very old man shuffled into an ice cream parlor and made an attempt to get up onto a stool. After watching him try several times, a young waitress came over and helped him get up on it.
She asked she could help him, and he said" I'd like a banana split please."
She was watching him try to get comfortable on the stool, and she asked him "crushed nuts...?" "No", he said "arthritis"
 
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