The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Pepsi!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"If you guys won't drink beer, neither will I."
 
At a biker bar, a biker was sitting down having a drink when a drunken man came in and ordered a drink. He then started a conversation with the biker and started to taunt him. He told him that just a few hours ago he had seen the biker's grandmother naked and she was hot. He then told him that he had slept with her and she was one nasty woman in bed.

The other bikers in the bar gasped because that biker was a tough guy who fights at the drop of a hat. But the drunken man kept on talking about the biker's grandmother.

Finally, the biker gets mad and stands up, and says, "Dammit Granddad! You're drunk! Go home and stop embarrassing yourself!"
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service of a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper?s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and didn?t stop for directions. I finally arrived, but an hour late. I saw the funeral guy had evidently left, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I poured my heart and soul into the tribute for this man with no family or friends, and I played like I?d never played before!

As I started played ?Amazing Grace,? the workers began to weep. We all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Although my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ?I never seen nothing like that before, and I?ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.?
 
A man went to the airport to pick up his tickets...along with his nagging wife and mother-in-law... When he reached the ticket booth he asked the clerk..."Can you send one of my bags to New York and the other to Tampa???"...

The clerk said..."I don't think they'll like it one bit..."...
 
How do you get a one armed Polish guy down from a tree ?
















Wave to him.
 
Did you hear that the 7-Eleven convenience store chain is going to buy the Rams???

They're going to rename them 0 and 11...
 
Now see I had heard they were going to be purchased by some one in the Phillipines Islands. He was going to name them the Manila Folders
 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
In honor of Ryan Clowe's NHL retirement...



After the Clowe incident, I heard one of my fellow Kings fan brethren state that ?I?m ending it all as soon as I can?. I thought that he was going to do himself in and not what he actually did. He changed his last name from Clowe to King at around 10:15 this morning.

He told Judge Brown ?I don?t want my last name associated with that San Jose Sharks clown any longer?.

The judge smiled and after it was all over took Mr. King aside and told him ?I can understand where you?re coming from, my friend. My last name used to be Avery.?
 
A priest and rabbi are discussing their religions along with the plus and cons. As such, their discussion leads to the theme of atonement. The priest says that in his religion, it is required to observe Lent which is 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins. The Rabbi, then explains that in his religion they have, Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, which is a day of fasting and penitence. From then on they begin to discuss the pros and cons of each practice, and then the Rabbi laughs, and says, "40 Days of Lent to 1 Day of Yom Kippur! Even when it comes to sin, us Jews won't pay retail!"
 
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn’t bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

“We just can’t wake her. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid,” the doctor told Ralph in a somber voice.

Ralph said "Let's turn on the TV. We're big Kings fans and let's hope for the best."

The Kings/Coytes game was on and the Kings were trailing 3-0.

She walked up to the TV and turned it off.
 
I think this was the final straw on me wearing the Salvation Army aprons at the kettle.

This was about four kettle seasons ago when one of Metro's finest had a rookie with him... I remember the officer telling the rookie...'Don't mess with this guy...I've dealt with him before."...

There I was...with bells in hand...wearing an apron that reads I AM A BELL RINGER...and pacing near a red kettle...

The rookie came right up and (I kid you not) asked me "Are YOU a bell ringer???"...

I said (without blinking an eye)..."NOPE!!! INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEF and this kettle's my cover!!!"...

The senior cop was laughing so hard that I thought he was going to bust a rib... He was still laughing when took the rookie aside and said..."I TOLD YOU not to mess with him!!!"...
 
King Ludwig said:
I think this was the final straw on me wearing the Salvation Army aprons at the kettle.

This was about four kettle seasons ago when one of Metro's finest had a rookie with him... I remember the officer telling the rookie...'Don't mess with this guy...I've dealt with him before."...

There I was...with bells in hand...wearing an apron that reads I AM A BELL RINGER...and pacing near a red kettle...

The rookie came right up and (I kid you not) asked me "Are YOU a bell ringer???"...

I said (without blinking an eye)..."NOPE!!! INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEF and this kettle's my cover!!!"...

The senior cop was laughing so hard that I thought he was going to bust a rib... He was still laughing when took the rookie aside and said..."I TOLD YOU not to mess with him!!!"...
Click to expand...

"here's your sign..."
 
can't remember which late night host had this one.

"Today California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law the Assisted Suicide bill just in time for the new Laker Season"
 
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem,
so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.
One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.
She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
 
JWR said:
can't remember which late night host had this one.

"Today California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law the Assisted Suicide bill just in time for the new Laker Season"
Click to expand...

The really funny thing is that used to be a Clipper joke!
 
I approached a priest with a huge grin...

?Forgive me...Father...for I have sinned...? I said... ?I?ve spent the week with seven beautiful redheads...?

?Do not fret...my son...? says the priest... ?All you need to do is take seven lemons...squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice...?

?Will that cleanse me of my sin????

?No...but it will wipe that stupid smile off your face...?
 
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician.”
 
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