The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, " No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?"
 
I was visiting the cemetery and couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone...clasping his hands and sobbing... I went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying...

"Why did you have to die???" he was repeating, "Why did you have to die???"

Feeling that I ought to do something to alleviate the man's obvious distress I laid a hand on the his shoulder saying gently..."Was it someone you loved very much???"

The man looked up at me and said..."No...I never met him... He was my wife's first husband..."
 
Anaheim police wish to alert local residents about the activities of an infamous cross-eyed burglar... If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door...
 
There was a guy who is interested in the concept of psychic phenomena...the concept where one day you suddenly hear from a guy who died 20 years ago... You know...a bit like first-class mail...
 
Someone came up to me and said that I didn't have a joke for every subject...

"All right...what is the subject???"

"Beavers..."

"Dam!!!"
 
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
 
Amal and Juan were identical twins.

Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
 
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
 
A guy is sitting at home watching TV when there is a knock at his door. He opens the door, looks around, but doesn't see anyone. As he's closing the door he notices a snail on his doormat. He picks the snail up and throws it as far as he can.

TWENTY YEARS LATER...

Same guy is watching TV at home when there is a knock at his door. He opens the door, looks around, but doesn't see anyone. As he's closing the door he notices a snail on his doormat. The snail says, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
 
What does it cost Santa to drive his sleigh full of toys around the world Christmas Eve??








8 Bucks unless the weather is bad then it costs him 9 Bucks.
 
A news reporter asked Michael Jordan if he thought the ’90s Bulls could beat LeBron’s Lakers.
MJ: Yes.
Reporter: By how much?
MJ: Two or three points.
Reporter: Why so close?
MJ: Most of us are almost 60 now.
 
A customer asks the Librarian if they have any books on Pavlov or Schroedinger...

The Librarian replies..."Those ring a bell...but I'm not sure if they are here..."
 
I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles...

Every day...I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten...how I feel...what I did the night before...and what I will do tomorrow... Then I give them pictures of my family...my dog...and me gardening... I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them...

And it works... I already have three people following me...two police officers and a psychiatrist...
 
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.


But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.


The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
 
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