King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
Bruce goes to court stating that he wants to change his name because the San Jose Sharks are giving him a bad name... The Judge agreed... He's new legal name is Bruce the Rubber King...
The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II
- Thread starter KickEm
- Start date
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
This happened two kettle seasons ago...
One of Las Vegas Metro's finest locked himself out of his cruiser while I was manning my kettle... I was doing everything possible to not crack up at the situation...but I was making several of them at that poor cop's expense... I remember telling one of my regulars that we also take wire coat hangers in case some idiot locks themselves out of their car (as I was pointing in the cop's direction)...
I lost it when the fire department showed up (for lunch) and one went back to get the slim jim to work on the car... After ten minutes of failed attempts the fireman yelled "USE YOUR GUN!!!"...
One of Las Vegas Metro's finest locked himself out of his cruiser while I was manning my kettle... I was doing everything possible to not crack up at the situation...but I was making several of them at that poor cop's expense... I remember telling one of my regulars that we also take wire coat hangers in case some idiot locks themselves out of their car (as I was pointing in the cop's direction)...
I lost it when the fire department showed up (for lunch) and one went back to get the slim jim to work on the car... After ten minutes of failed attempts the fireman yelled "USE YOUR GUN!!!"...
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
I just got back from Smith's (on the West side of town) and just happened to get 6 cartons of eggs (18 count)... The checker was surprised to see me buying eggs in this bulk and asked me if it was the price that got me to buying so many...
I said "No... I'm mad at a neighbor because he wouldn't give me any candy..."
Before I had the chance to wink at the cashier...three girls came to the line...heard what I said and were laughing their heads off... A guard (that I didn't think was within hearing distance) spit out his coffee at the remark and wouldn't look me in the eye afterwards...
The cashier knew me from the Hualapai Smith's... She said..."I'm going to miss you this year...but I'll go out of my way just to put something in your kettle for cheering me up tonight..."
I said "No... I'm mad at a neighbor because he wouldn't give me any candy..."
Before I had the chance to wink at the cashier...three girls came to the line...heard what I said and were laughing their heads off... A guard (that I didn't think was within hearing distance) spit out his coffee at the remark and wouldn't look me in the eye afterwards...
The cashier knew me from the Hualapai Smith's... She said..."I'm going to miss you this year...but I'll go out of my way just to put something in your kettle for cheering me up tonight..."
Two Jews are walking down the street and come by a Catholic Church. There is a sign on the church that says "Convert to Catholicism and we will pay you $20." The Jews look at each and figure its easy money so walk into the church to convert.
30 minutes later they both walk out of the church $20 dollars richer. The first jew says to the second "Well that was an easy $20 Bucks." The second looks at him and says "is that all you people ever think about?"
30 minutes later they both walk out of the church $20 dollars richer. The first jew says to the second "Well that was an easy $20 Bucks." The second looks at him and says "is that all you people ever think about?"
R
roenick
Lurker
An Army Helo pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,
“Is your date running late?”
"No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch,
and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What’s so special about it?”
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The helo pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,
“Is your date running late?”
"No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch,
and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What’s so special about it?”
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The helo pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
M
mrm55
Lurker
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama?s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I?m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn, let's have another look at the dog!"
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I?m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn, let's have another look at the dog!"
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
A couple came to my kettle Saturday...and the wife thanked THE Salvation Army for saving her family...
The husband had second thoughts...
"I know I'm going to get killed for saying this... Too bad THE Salvation Army saved HER!!!"...
The husband had second thoughts...
"I know I'm going to get killed for saying this... Too bad THE Salvation Army saved HER!!!"...
L
latka
Lurker
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replied, and I'm gonna grow big tits too...
She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replied, and I'm gonna grow big tits too...
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
H
Hkyfmly
Lurker
A man wants to lose weight. He sees an add “lose 10 pounds in a week for $50.00” He calls the number and is told the weight loss expert will be there the next day in the morning. The next morning the doorbell rings and there is a very attractive woman in a very skimpy jogging outfit. Hi my name is susan an dif you can catch me you can have me. Then she starts tor un. Sure enough at the end of a week of chasing her each day he has lost 10 pounds. After the week the company offered to him to lose 20 pounds in a week for $100.00. He agreed and the next morning at his door was very beautiful woman in an even skimpier outfit. She said hi my name is Rose and if you can catch me you can have me. And off she ran sure enough after a week of chasing her he lost 20 pounds. The company offers him their extreme weight loss program, lose 50 pound sin a week for $500.00 the man agrees. The next morning his doorbell rings he opens it and there is a huge man 6’6” and 250 ponds all muscle. Hi my name is Bruce and if I catch you I get you. Sure enough he lost 50 pounds that week.
orpheus
The Dolphin Cares!
It was Hanukkah in a small village and people were worried that they could not make enough latkes since they had run out of flour. So they called the Rabbi, Rudi, to ask for advice regarding the problem, and he said, "Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as good."
Sarah looks at her husband, and asks, "David, do you think this will work?"
"Of course," David replies, 'Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear."
Sarah looks at her husband, and asks, "David, do you think this will work?"
"Of course," David replies, 'Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear."
B
Bogey
Lurker
What do you call the area around which a clock wears its belt?
A waist of time.
A waist of time.
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid.
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
V
vindogla
Lurker
A man goes to the doctor complaining about his private part, which has started to turn orange. The doctor asks if he has been doing anything different than usual? The man replies that no, he pretty much does the same thing every day: Sit around, watch TV, and eat Cheetos.
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
On Johnny's first day of 1st grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in 3rd grade!" The teacher looked at Johnny's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when Johnny stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in 3rd grade!"
Johnny did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Johnny's problem. The principal and the 1st grade teacher told Johnny that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Johnny knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... "What does a cow have four of but a woman only has two?" asked the teacher.
"Legs!" Johnny immediately replied.
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.
"Pockets!" said Johnny.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in 3rd grade, I missed those last two questions!"
Johnny did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Johnny's problem. The principal and the 1st grade teacher told Johnny that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Johnny knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... "What does a cow have four of but a woman only has two?" asked the teacher.
"Legs!" Johnny immediately replied.
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.
"Pockets!" said Johnny.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in 3rd grade, I missed those last two questions!"
King Ludwig
Registered Redophile
A Kings fan had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman.
"Did it hurt?"
"No, not really, only the last bit."
"Was that when they cut it off?"
"No, that didn't hurt, it was the last bit."
"Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?"
"No, it was just the last bit that hurt."
"Well what was the last bit?"
"You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make you root for the Ducks. That was agony!"
"Did it hurt?"
"No, not really, only the last bit."
"Was that when they cut it off?"
"No, that didn't hurt, it was the last bit."
"Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?"
"No, it was just the last bit that hurt."
"Well what was the last bit?"
"You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make you root for the Ducks. That was agony!"
L
latka
Lurker
One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o?clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Mailman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
?Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'your name came up 7 times.'
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o?clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Mailman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
?Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'your name came up 7 times.'
Now Chirping
- No one is chatting at the moment.