The Stupid/Not So Stupid Joke Thread - Part II

A man and his wife walked into a dentist?s office.

The man said to the dentist, ?Doc, I?m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic. I don?t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it?s 9:30 already. I don?t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!?

The dentist thought to himself, ?My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.?

So the dentist asked him, ?Which tooth is it sir??

The man turned to his wife and said, ?Open your mouth, honey, and show him the one that hurts ??
 
Eileen and her husband John went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her bosom and massaged thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?’

John thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
 
A secretary in my office just sent me an email saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

What does "ternative" mean?
 
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
 
A boy walks in on his mom and dad having sex so he asks, "What are you doing ?"
His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
The boy says, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy."
 
I walked into a sports bar around 9:45 PM.

I sat down next to a Ducks fan at the bar and stared up at the TV just as the 10:00 o'clock news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a building downtown.

The Ducks fan looked at me and said, ?Do you think he?ll jump??

I said, ?You know, I bet he?ll jump.?

The Ducks fan replied, ?Well, I bet he won?t.?

I placed a $50 bill on the bar and said, ?You?re on!?

Just as the Ducks fan placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The Ducks fan was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to me saying, ?Fair?s fair. Here?s your money.?

I replied, ?I can?t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news so I already knew he would jump.?

The Ducks fan replied, ?I saw it too, but I never thought he?d do it again.?

I took the money.
 
A woman notices that her dog has an ear infection so she goes to the vet. He says that the dog has ingrown hairs that are irritating him and suggests she get a hair removal cream from a chemist across town and rub it into his ears.
After traveling to him, the chemists asks "Is it for your legs?" "No" she says..."Is it for your arms?" "No" she says..."What's it for then?" She says "It's for my Schnauzer" " Oh, OK" says the chemist "but don't ride your bike for two weeks. "
 
A Kings fan, a Ducks fan, and Reba McEntire are sitting together in a train traveling to San Antonio when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. Suddenly, there's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, Reba and the Kings fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Ducks fan is holding his slapped face. The Ducks fan is thinking, "That Kings fan must have kissed Reba and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead.

"Reba is thinking, "That Ducks fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Kings fan, and got slapped for it.

"And the Kings fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that stinking Ducks fan again."
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow! That's a great idea!”., he exclaimed.

“Good”, she replied, “Get your own ****ing blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day?s headline would scream ?Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.?

?I?m not from this town,? said the hero.

?Then,? the reporter said, ?it will say ?Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.??

?Actually,? said the man, ?I?m from New Hampshire.?

?In that case,? the reporter grumbled, ?the headline will be ?Yankee Kills Family Pet.??
 
How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”
 
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him.

?What?s the story this time, Jones?? he asked sarcastically. ?Let?s hear a good excuse for a change.?

Jones sighed, ?Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river ? look, my suit?s still damp ? ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson?s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.?

?You?ll have to do better than that, Jones,? said the boss, obviously disappointed. ?No woman can get ready in ten minutes.?
 
Two cannibals are eating a guy. The first cannibal started at the head while the second started at his feet. After a few minutes the first cannibal asks 'How do you like it?' The second replies, 'Oh, I'm having a ball!'. The first cannibal shouts, 'Slow down dammit! You're eating too fast!'
 
You know you're a bad cook when...

Every attempt at Jell-O turns out to be a flambe...
Flies chip in to fix the holes in your screens...
Cockroaches picket you for unfair treatment...
The smoke alarm goes off every time you boil water...
Not to mention a three inch hole in the bottom of the pan you cooked it in...

I won't mention who it is...but if there is anyone still alive that did all the above...I'd feel sorry for them...
 
An avid golfer gets up very early in the winter and gets ready to go. When he gets outside it is REALLY cold. Wind and drizzle so bad that even he decides this isn't worth it.
He goes back into the house and quietly get undressed and slides into bed along side his wife.
He roles over close to her and puts his arm around her hoping to start some action. She's still half asleep and says, "can you believe my idiot husband is out there playing golf..."
 
In honor of the Oympics, here is a really old Polish joke that I will make a Russian joke because I went to Poland last year and they were cool except for this awful cheese they tried to feed us.

Why did the Russian swimmer finish last in the breaststroke?

The other women used their hands.
 
A woman from a small southern town goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The newspaper editor informs her the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, ?Well, then, just let it read, ?Billy Bob died.'?

Amused at the woman?s thrift, the editor says, ?Sorry ma?am but there?s a seven-word minimum on all obituaries.?

A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, ?In that case, let it read: ?Billy Bob died ? red truck for sale.'?
 
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the south?

If it was invented in the north, it would have been called a teethbrush.
 
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